I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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