My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
