woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
