so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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