That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
