Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
