ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
