Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
