You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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