i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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