it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
