So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
