Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
