You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
