Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
