They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
