You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
