matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
