By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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