why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
