what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There are leaves in my underwear?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
