The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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