we're blogging at a bar
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How does one acquire holy water?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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