There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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