We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
