Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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