I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
