I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
