Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
