Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
