i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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