dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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