i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
