If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
