I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
