plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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