I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
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i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
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Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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