if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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