i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
