hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
