were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
