At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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