I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
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In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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