she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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