Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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