plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
