From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
