this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
