I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
