I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
