put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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