His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
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I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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