He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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