I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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