but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
