Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
