He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
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Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.