My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My ass is underappreciated
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
