fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Randomize
